Lost

 Have you ever been lost? You feel like you are all alone in a midst? Even if you cry out loud, still no one can hear you. You’ve been trying different outlet just to ease the pain yet in the end, nothing has changed. Asking yourself what else can you do? But it seems like no one can help you at all. You’re so lost; all alone by yourself.  

Honestly speaking, I forgot the last time I’ve ever felt this way. I’ve been so perfectly happy these past few months in my life. I’ve even learned how to make way even closer to Him. I made that decision because I can feel Him. I was so grateful during those times. I can really feel his presence with me. So I asked Him, I asked Him to reveal His self to me even more because I want to know more about Him. I want Him in my life. 

Then few days after that, all of these things happened. Slowly, things are killing me. I felt so restricted and weak. So I prayed. I prayed and prayed. The more I pray, the more things get worse but every time I will read the bible or any material regarding Him; I can feel His presence. So I will be very empowered and motivated to fight, to be strong indeed. Then few hours after that, here we go again. Additional problems are on their way in my life. My life has been this way these past few weeks; and honestly speaking, I really don’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t want this. I can’t handle this thing anymore. I thought I was strong enough to handle everything that will come in my life but as times goes by; I think these problems were just telling and showing in my face that I can’t handle them. Yes! They won! I give up. I can’t really handle this alone. I’ve been praying and talking to You Lord since then. But why? It seems like you can’t hear me. Why these things were kept on happening to me every single day? Why? At first I thought it’s just a test. The moment I told You I want to know You better, then suddenly these things happened. I said to myself that maybe You just want me to seek for you. I did that Lord. 

I’m so sorry. I am too weak for these. I can’t really handle these things Lord. I don’t even know if I am getting all your answers in a right way. Or am I just telling myself that you showed that sign because that is what I want to see? I really don’t know anymore. I am throwing my hands up in the air. I swear, I can’t do this anymore. Please, I know You are just somewhere out there. You can hear me, can’t You? I am lost right now. And we both know that I am not yet a fully prepared Christian yet. I am just starting my way to meet You. God, please don’t make this way hard for me. I am still fragile. Please pick me up now. Please. Hear me now Lord.

Probably I am such a disappointment right now. I’ve been starting to follow you few months ago, and yet here I am crying, still lost. I am so sorry. You know I trust You but I am just me. A twenty year old lady trying to know You better. Look, I am still young. I am not that strong yet unlike other people. I still got disappointed every time I pray and doesn’t hear from You in return. But believe me, I am really trying to be still. Maybe You know that or yeah maybe not. But really I am. But right now, I just can’t though I am still trying. I am in pain; so much pain. I know this is just a test, a test that will make me strong. I know, and I do believe in that. I do believe in You. I can surpass this. I can.

Even though You are not answering my prayers, I hope… and I wish that someday You’ll hear it and You’ll finally answer it. I will still believe in that thing. I trust You. Just like what my favorite verse says: “Trust in the Lord; and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” –Psalm 37:3-4

“The lord is my portion; therefore I hope in Him.” –Lam 3:22-24

I will hope. I will trust. Please be with me. I will be fine. :|

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Posted in: Godly Living